Ah, the grand pension uplift of £17.35 a week! Here we are, decades of hard work and what do we get? Enough to maybe buy a pint of milk in the future, considering the way prices are going. But, let’s not get all sunshine and rainbows about it. Here’s a list of 21 things to blow your extravagant pension uplift on, if you’re so inclined:
#1. Weekly Subscription to “The Good Old Days” Magazine
Because let’s face it, they were better.
#2. A Fancy Jar of Pickles
For when you want to reminisce about the time food tasted like food.
#3. One Artisanal Bread Loaf
Because bread now needs a backstory and a personality.
4. A Pocket Dictionary
So you can understand what on earth “lit” and “fleek” mean.
5. A Cactus
It’s the only houseplant that won’t die on you after a week.
6. Extra-Strong Reading Glasses
To see through the nonsense of modern television programming.
7. A “Speak Your Mind” Workshop
As if you needed any help with that.
8. A Bingo Night Fund
Because you might win it big, or at least have an excuse to get out of the house.
9. Craft Ale
To find out why everyone’s making such a fuss about beer that tastes like a forest.
10. A Whistle
For directing traffic, or just getting those darn kids off your lawn.
#11. A Bulk Purchase of Tea Bags
For all the tea you’ll need to spill while gossiping.
#12. A Donation to the “Bring Back Concorde” Fund
It’s about time travel had some class again.
#13. A Selfie Stick
To hit the neighbor’s drone out of the sky.
#14. A Classic Movie Download
Back when plots made sense and explosions were for special occasions.
#15. Packets of Bird Seed
To make feathered friends, because at least birds know how to appreciate a good meal.
#16. A Loud Bell for Your Bicycle
Because ringing it is more satisfying than yelling, “Get out of the way!”
#17. A Jar of Luxury Jam
Spread it on toast and savor the sweet taste of fiscal irresponsibility.
#18. A Book on Sarcasm
Not that you need any pointers.
#19. A High-End Chocolate Bar
Unwrap it slowly to savor the fleeting joy of financial splurge.
#20. An Expensive Pen
For writing letters of complaint with the style and grace they deserve.
#21. A Stash of Stamps
So you’re always ready to send a strongly worded letter at a moment’s notice.
Go Forth and Spend
There you have it. Go forth and spend that £17.35 like the mogul you are, but remember, in the grand scheme of things, it’s probably just enough to keep the pigeons entertained.
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For transparency, this content was partly developed with AI assistance and carefully curated by an experienced editor to be informative and ensure accuracy.
Sarah Griffin is an experienced writer known for her incisive analysis of UK politics and human rights issues. Her work blends depth and clarity, providing insightful and often satirical commentary on the contemporary political landscape